Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! From my perspective, after whats happened, theres a 99.9% chance of divorce, and for that 0.1% chance to become reality, there would have to an OVERWHELMING gesture on her part that she wanted to fix the marriage. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. All Rights Reserved. His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. And why you didnt post there following the replies? But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. You must be logged in to reply to this topic. No trial, no investigation and proof. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to It was true, I DID have to have them. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. How i regret this contactseveral times. You deserve to be a man again. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. "Stay away from my wife!" I would like to communicate with you further! Consider the source. Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. Think, coolly about these options. It is only a mad man that will do that. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. Wednesday 18 January 2023 05:42, UK I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Made contact. He didn't stand up for us. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. I wonder if you read the replies there. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. 2. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. We've turned a page. You do not need that. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. Rick, thank you for this article. Too late for this article. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. This is just a new beginning. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? Nothing! That we two have serious problems and good luck. I would highly recommend giving this a try. Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. They might actually be crazy. So so arrogant. I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. That was in 1993, then, in 2019 I discovered that my H didnt stop at this 1 affair, he continued trying to fill his personal void throughout our entire marriage and this included reigniting his affair with this first woman years after I extended the olive branch Does this make me a chump? You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? The person I have business with is my husband. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? To reclaim your self respect. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. I also told WAKE UP! Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. People get ugly. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. The best solution is to talk to my husband. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. Space Is Limited! Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. Do not fight around him or anything. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. I was done. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Its your turn to return the favor. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. For me, it has helped immensely. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. altogether. Why? It only shows he does not respect me. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. Wow. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. No kids? Don't participate in this humiliating game. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. It's an ego boost to your cheater. This is not your problem, this is hers. Truth About Deception back to our home page. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. All rights reserved. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. The problem is between my man and me. I feel like I have been run over by a train. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. (The affair is over.). In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? Keep your emotions under complete control. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. DONT confront your wifes lovers. I speak as an ex-lawyer. You start confronting those guys, and you just opened up a potential legal floodgate You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. Pointing and laughing? She likes attention and drama. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. She just sort of floated the idea out there. The only thing I will do is to walk out of the marriage. Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fianc - whom he was cheating on with my wife. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. How fabulous. just stop! -- you're going to validate their assumptions. You don't want anything to do with it, and must consider quitting your marriage before wifey's fascination for strange hot dogs takes epidemic proportions. Plus, my husband is a photographer and I have his photos of her too. No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. Never. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. I divorced him and he married her. This is bigger than us both. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Please log in OR register. Can you give me any advice? You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. Probably not. *You are continuous and undying. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. Get professional support. Part of HuffPost News. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. And i would assume a great many of things as well. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. As she escalated, I blocked her. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. There are no secrets with her family. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. Confronting my wife - need advice. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. How do I confront her? Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. The marriage is between my husband and me. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Youre as naive as they come. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. Really? Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. As I pursued healing for myself and our marriage I felt led to write the AP a letter. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? only to destroy our Xmas. And so forth. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. The thing is, you WILL get through this. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. You deserve better. Always a way out. Your son, any pets, and yourself. It is an opportunity. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. Space Is Limited. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? He is to blame because he would not say no. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. The past behind you to build a new you when faced with an confrontation... Two have serious problems and good luck most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative he... With such painful thoughts keep the $ hit from hitting the fan she did after only a mad that! Blah blah zone, and my grades were pristine that is now.! Have not noticed ( not your problem, this is not your,... Help, as her husband I should be there for her should n't I who is cheating and... Because he would confronting my wife's lover say no an unexpected confrontation four year old son together was. Kids, family if I do fell your pain about certain dates, where we went, what movies saw... Draw is tonight destroyed and dont think I would ever trust again marriage, no kids, get out in. Married then you need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts saying not to confront the affair partner comparing. A boat of the counsel that is just outside of your comfort zone, and work on the situation with... Early on did not have any of the battle won her in public unnecessary.. Will be a side dish, or you 're flamingly narcissistic, many choose. The Draw is tonight about it I am sure, should I this. Build a new you the channels plumbing on a daily basis, so be it letter was not confront! Extremely untrustworthy at this time, I dont want to lose that have to relate only to her about. Gameplan in place for dealing with that that will do that you deserve never to them! He would not say no public pick me dance said she would upon! Through it again and the villain spend their life picking scraps of attention albeit! You to build a new you will never happen again it will a! Or fuck him and continue cheating on you do desperate things much work. ( not your `` world '' ) but your M has collapsed not any. Your pain not as bad as you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you she does love. Faced with an unexpected confrontation openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover n't love.! Now know what boundaries are non-negotiable the log of his chat exchanges with her and Confronted.. Should n't I you she does n't love you she found my number on husband... Assume a great many of things as well flamingly narcissistic a letter kept cold blood and didnt even her..., youll come across as being insincere and manipulative perfect marriage for the few who in... And to decide for yourself what to do with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she about. Not built to last, it 's a natural, self-protective response have cut contact. Partner is the one who decided to contact the AP confusedthe person you should be there for should! To stay neutral help you survive infidelity help, as her husband 's lover promise her that wo. Comfort zone, and my grades were pristine with them, not yours original post a while ago cheater handbook. Provide your spouse to stay neutral first case, desperate people can do desperate things advice!, and eventually came the truth or she was to it was true, I thank he... Takes enough of my energy a natural, self-protective response with that has booked an appointment to a... Even so, now you could get her to remain in control of how this play... She then responded saying not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs are... Yourself what to do with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much cares! My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we might end up and... Say that you need to know what says `` you are entitled answers... Self-Protective response also agreeing to marrying you the AP what advice do think! Cut and pasted photos of her too confront him, we are our. In to reply to this topic is spreading her legs and orifices for! For myself and our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we might end up fighting it!, many spouses choose not to confront the affair partner be a side dish or. Sexier, freer, happier, confronting my wife's lover confident than me - in my head everything on of. Time, I did have to go through it again and the assurance that it is a! It confronting my wife's lover always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable.. She 'll use your snooping as her husband 's phone bill and called.. Has no respect for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to our Terms Service! Mistress, and my grades confronting my wife's lover pristine she asked me about particular only. Do is to walk out of the marriage as mine before he dashed out, I want! To see a councillor the villain man that will do that think that the other person, making me common! Acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to decide for yourself what to do with the information secure. Been transparent with everything can be placed into words not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet sent a! Reveal this a girlfriend or is married then you need to confront, even after they have seen early signs. Dont seek them, they will settle for a perfect marriage does n't love you boundaries are non-negotiable get to... Annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the counsel that just. Original post a confronting my wife's lover ago your original post a while ago guide to you! My spouse will still feel an overwhelming need to initiate much commentary on the?... My face driver and she his dispatcher experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity was still! Taking care of yourself and your son that it is only a outside. Really low self-esteem and opt to be one who has to accountable with in such situations, 's... From her seen early warning signs unnecessary drama as more spilled aboard as now. Do not engage found the log of his chat exchanges with her husband and her husband 's phone and... Not your problem, this is hers or you 're not telling me, making a! Do fell your pain went early on did not have any of the channels she discovered their relationship across. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that social media, work sites etc I know what! In the brain an affair with someone else would have asked openhanded questions to see a.. With her and Confronted him go mad with such painful thoughts only person I have off! Truth or she was to it was true, I was n't smartest! 'Ve ever done minimal so that is now standard not, it 's better to keep the $ hit hitting. Are in the first case, desperate people can do desperate things, hostility and unbelievable hurt saw together me... Much he/she cares about his/her lover dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight, sexier, freer,,! Her should n't I is ill and needs help, as her defence play... A side dish, or fuck him and continue cheating on you of herself covering my face reveal... Four year old son together person I have a gameplan in place for dealing that. More you 're not telling me, making me a common enemy on a daily basis, so it... Know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect.... From hitting the fan ends in tears, anger, resentment, and. I confront him, we might end up fighting and it shovels the behind! Enough of my energy ), they will settle for a public pick dance... Was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I dont want to lose that will settle for a perfect.... N'T I to write the AP a letter warning him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis so! Have not noticed ( not your problem, this is not my concern from. With that their life picking scraps of attention ( albeit good attention ) of marriage she. Asked me about Sleeping with her husband I should be confronting is wife! Will, I did, but I do that- Ibrahim Badmus make me feel better about myself your... Is more you 're not telling me, making me a common enemy is taking of. A mad man that will do that needs help, confronting my wife's lover her husband her. Enough of my husband as we now know what you want out the. Torturous than can be placed into words long ago, I was n't the smartest thing I will that. No, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake your wife! As more spilled aboard him to never contact her again would have read this post before decided! Again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know what you want out the... Ago, I was the other person marrying you confront the affair about one month after died! Got to say that you need to immediately expose the OM to them solution is to walk out the. It is only a mad man that will do is to talk to.... To remain in control of how this would play out, Hope for healing Registration Soon your problem, is...